


Till Our Lives Are Burning Gold

by kaleidomusings



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Character Death, Drinking, F/M, Possible spoilers for Civil War, Post-Canon, Vague spoilers for AoU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 01:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4040824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaleidomusings/pseuds/kaleidomusings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve never really understood the appeal of alcohol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Till Our Lives Are Burning Gold

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for billciipher on Tumblr, who requested something with Sam, Natasha, and Steve. She probably didn't expect something like this, but somehow I delivered anyway. I'm sorry.
> 
> Also I was listening to Christina Perri's "Burning Gold" a lot while I was writing this, so that's where the title comes from.

Steve never really understood the appeal of alcohol.

He used to drink with Bucky once in a long while before the war, but he could never have too much of the stuff. For one thing, Steve's tolerance was practically nonexistent, and he always got drunk after a few sips (a fact that Bucky teased him for mercilessly). For another, it wasn't good for his health, because more often than not, the alcohol messed with his medicine. And later that night Steve would lay in bed, wheezing, while Bucky anxiously hovered over him.

During the war, Steve did drink with Bucky and the Howling Commandos. The alcohol didn't affect him at all because of the Erskine's serum, but Steve enjoyed the social aspect of it. And if it gave him an excuse to lean on Gabe or press against Dum Dum's shoulder or bump Morita's knee with his own, all the better. He especially liked when Bucky threw his arm around him, warm and the smell of alcohol heavy on his breath, because ever since Steve became Captain America, Bucky never seemed to touch him unless they were drinking.

Then Bucky fell, and Steve spent hours drinking bottle after bottle in the remnants of the bar where Bucky agreed to follow Steve, who was still that dumb kid of Brooklyn that should have known better. That was how Peggy found him, teary and angry and hating the way the alcohol burned on the way down without getting him drunk.

It was only when Tony threw his party and Thor spiked Steve's drinks with Asgardian spirits that he remembered the appeal. It tasted like molten gold, dark and heady and almost unreal. By the end of the night, Steve was pleasantly tipsy and happy in a way that he hasn't been in a long time. It was hard not to be, being with Sam after months apart and the other Avengers in a rare moment of calm. Even though Bucky was still out there and Steve was of course still going to look for him, at the time it was enough. For one night, he could forget.

Then, after the whole mess with Ultron, Thor had given him the rest of the flask before he returned to Asgard, encouraging Steve to use it for a special occasion. Although, this probably isn't what Thor meant by special, but Steve needs to really get drunk right now. Here in his living room, where no one can see him fall apart but Natasha and Sam.

"She passed away during the night," Steve says in a voice that sounds distant and hollow to his own ears. "They said it was peaceful, that she's not suffering anymore."

Thankfully, Sam knows him better than to offer platitudes he doesn't want to hear or ask if he's all right; the answer is obvious. Instead, he reaches out and places a warm hand on Steve's shoulder, which he sways into gratefully. Steve hasn't felt this cold and numb since crashing that damn plane into the Atlantic. Because Peggy was dead. Peggy Carter died from sickness and old age, while time has barely touched Steve, except in the ways that mattered.

Natasha presses up against Steve's other side, her hand finding his own. "Peggy Carter was an amazing woman," she says softly.

And Steve, who is so tired of being alone and losing everyone he's ever loved, blinks tears from his vision. He takes another hard swig from the flask and leans in. "She was."

It still hurt to think about sometimes, but Steve is happy that Peggy was able to live her life to the fullest. Even if it wasn't him. Even when he couldn't be there for her.

As if sensing his thoughts, fingers card through his hair. Sam's fingers. "You don't have to force yourself to hold back, Steve," he says gently. "If you need to cry, then cry. You're not a robot."

Steve snorts at the irony of those words so soon after Ultron. He's about to make a sarcastic remark about it, until he realizes that tears are streaming down his face. Covering his eyes with a trembling hand, Steve laughs bitterly. "Peggy would kick my ass if she could see me like this."

"You loved her," Sam says as Steve swallows down more of the Asgardian liquor, as if that's some sort of answer. And maybe it is. but it still doesn't change how shitty Steve feels.

"I want to get drunk," Steve declares and passes the flask to Natasha. "You both should join me."

Natasha raises a delicate eyebrow at him and his challenge, and -being Russian and practically a super soldier herself- doesn't even flinch before handing it to Sam.

"The two of you are going to be the death of me," Sam complains, but drinks from it too.

Steve laughs when Sam shudders and hands the flask back like it's personally offended him, feeling the tightness in his chest let up just slightly.

Although his grief might never go away, Steve knows that he'll make it through because he's not alone. He has friends that give him the strength to carry on.


End file.
